A Realization

I've been feeling pretty unsettled for awhile now, and I couldn't put my finger on the source of my anxiety or restlessness. After having a talk with someone very close to me, I think I've discovered my problem. I am just trying too damn hard. This realization has come at just the right time. Here I am in a place that I love with a lot of great people around, and I just feel like time is slipping by me. That's because I've been so worried about what others will think of my experience here, that I couldn't just enjoy myself. The expectations of what a missionary should do have bogged me down to the point that I've felt guilty and worthless here. Now don't get me wrong, I've received nothing but encouragement and support from everyone I've been in contact with (and I appreciate that support greatly). But the fact of the matter is, I feel an internal pressure to impress people with what I've been doing, and honestly, I'm through with that. I don't care who's impressed or disappointed with what I do in South Africa. While I'm accountable to an extent to the people I work with, I am here because I feel that God wants me here. So at the end of the day, this time abroad is an experience that God and I are supposed to enjoy together. Sometimes I just need someone else's perspective to receive some clarity I suppose. There. That felt good. I hope that my honesty here is not perceived the wrong way. I am immeasurably lucky to have the family and friends that I do. I think I've just reached the point of knowing that I need to stop juggling, and just enjoy the circus.