A Realization

I've been feeling pretty unsettled for awhile now, and I couldn't put my finger on the source of my anxiety or restlessness. After having a talk with someone very close to me, I think I've discovered my problem. I am just trying too damn hard. This realization has come at just the right time. Here I am in a place that I love with a lot of great people around, and I just feel like time is slipping by me. That's because I've been so worried about what others will think of my experience here, that I couldn't just enjoy myself. The expectations of what a missionary should do have bogged me down to the point that I've felt guilty and worthless here. Now don't get me wrong, I've received nothing but encouragement and support from everyone I've been in contact with (and I appreciate that support greatly). But the fact of the matter is, I feel an internal pressure to impress people with what I've been doing, and honestly, I'm through with that. I don't care who's impressed or disappointed with what I do in South Africa. While I'm accountable to an extent to the people I work with, I am here because I feel that God wants me here. So at the end of the day, this time abroad is an experience that God and I are supposed to enjoy together. Sometimes I just need someone else's perspective to receive some clarity I suppose. There. That felt good. I hope that my honesty here is not perceived the wrong way. I am immeasurably lucky to have the family and friends that I do. I think I've just reached the point of knowing that I need to stop juggling, and just enjoy the circus.

Tick Tock

Time flies when you're havin' fun, or so I hear. While I knew that time would go quickly during my journey here in S.A., I had no idea how fast it would travel. There's no way to prepare yourself for the seemingly exponential rate at which your life will pass you by. As a result, I'm trying to capture moments here as they happen, and embrace the good that is all around me. I'm beginning to realize what a unique position I find myself in during this stage of life. My decisions will significantly change the direction of my life, and the places I will find myself in for the next few years. In recent weeks, I've decided to apply to grad school for the Fall of '09. It amazes me how different my life could look on the east coast at a large university versus life here in South Africa, or life in L.A. during my undergrad, or Oregon for that matter. All I can do is not take for granted the life that God has gifted me with here on the other side of the world. I'm doing what I want to do, and how many people can say that? As the great Bob Dylan says, "A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do." Back home in Oregon in less than 3 weeks. Excited, but not for the cold.

No Worries

Riding down a steep, zig-zagging road through the dense jungle of South Africa fills me with life and contentment. I'm learning to live in moments like these, to appreciate the fullness of how beautiful the trees look in the wind, or the smell of the air as it breezes by my helmet. Life is more easily taken in at slow speeds on a moped, and I'm finally beginning to master the art of two-wheel transport. My job description here is rapidly expanding and solidifying. I lecture on spiritual disciplines every Thursday for the gap year program, Life Academy, act as a pseudo-journalist for OAM by taking pictures and writing occassional articles, and keep in contact with families whose homes have been built by OAM and sponsored by church groups abroad. Starting in January, I also hope to begin community development in the area of Blanco, which incorporates roughly 2000 people. In my off time, I am still learning (and failing at) surfing, play tennis from time to time, ride my Vuka around town, and enjoy some South African barbecque (known as a braai) with some friends. The pace of life here is slow, and I'm beginning to get very accustomed to it. I'm sure that's annoying for my parents and others Stateside, especially when they're wondering what nonsense I'm up to, but come visit and you'll find yourself breathing easier as well. Just trying to soak this in one day at a time, and to not take things for granted. In one month I'll be back in the States for Christmas (which will be great), and the last 3 months will seem like a vivid dream. Fortunately, my plane ticket back is already booked.